Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Day 24 and more...

  Does anyone else feel like they haven't quite grown up? I'm nearly 30 years old yet I feel like I could have just graduated from High School - of course I was skinny then so I mean this mentally not physically. I still watch cartoons; Hello New Looney Tunes on Cartoon Network whaaaaat! I've been known to eat cereal for dinner, I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy and I'm a total slob (Yes, Honey I really did admit that). I thought becoming a Mother would instantly change my perspective, but it hasn't. It is still weird to me that I have this little person calling ME Mom. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change the fact that I am a Mom, but I often wonder when I will finally grow up and if I even want to. The funny thing is I'm not even sure what my definition of grown up is, I just know I'm not there yet.
   I have to believe that my weight issues are the root cause of this feeling of immaturity; or at least part of it. I've been overweight basically since I graduated high school. I cut ties with all but 1 of my friends, I avoid Facebook, Twitter all of the social networking sites for fear of someone from high school seeing how big I've become. With the exception of this blog I virtually don't exist. My boss was actually stunned at how little information you can find on me by Googling my name - And that's how I wanted it.
   I'm pissed at myself for allowing this weight to control my life to the extent that it has. I see women hanging out together and I'm jealous. I have practically no friends of my own, all of my friends now I met through my Husband. I have all of these crazy insecurities that I mask in various ways that have kept me from having really great relationships with people and I really regret that. You know how hard it is to make friends as an adult! It's not like High School where you're forced into these situations where friendships are inevitable.  In High School I had more friends then I could count, got along with everybody and dare I say I was actual popular. I had a pretty rocky senior year; I partied really, really hard and pushed myself to the edge. I met my Husband right after graduation and never looked back. Are these feelings going to go away when the weight does? I have no clue.
Alright, enough rambling. I'm not even sure what my point was - I guess I just wanted to vent a bit. I don't normally like posting any of this heavy type stuff but it can't be shits and giggles all the time and because it's my blog (In my best Cartman voice) "I DO WHAT I WANT".

Here's what passed my lips today:

Breakfast: Nothing but coffee. Super busy today didn't even have time to realize I hadn't eaten.

Lunch: Spicy Turkey Sandwich, small side salad

Dinner: Nothing official like, I was too lazy to cook for myself and ended up just eating Salami and Cheese. But It's okay I wasn't actually hungry anyway.

I know that menu is pathetic, I'm a horrible dieter so please don't do what I do! :p

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